I’ve been feeling deeply sad AND I’m being an inspirational leader.
This post is a raw sharing about my personal experience with miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy. If you don’t want to read this, I completely understand and respect your decision 💛
I had a complication with my pregnancy. I started bleeding one Saturday and the next day, my husband took me to A&E. I was in and out of hospital for 4 days and finally was told that I was having an ectopic pregnancy.
This means that the pregnancy implanted outside of my womb. For me, it had implanted in the right fallopian tube. This can be life-threatening if not caught early.
In the same breath, I was told that I needed to have surgery that day and I couldn’t go home. I suddenly found myself in a hospital bed with nurses and doctors coming in and out, asking me loads of questions and telling me that I was now to be nil by mouth.
I waited for 14 hours, my energy dropping by the hour, and was told that the best outcome was to remove my right fallopian tube and the pregnancy.
In those moments, I didn’t know what to think or feel.
That evening, I was wheeled into theatre and I started to cry. I didn’t want to lose my baby.
The nurses and doctors put me at ease – the NHS is full of amazing humans.
I woke up 2 hours later and was wheeled back to the ward. I was out of it, weak and tired.
And then something happened.
I had this huge life-shifting realisation. There is no other way to describe it than it came through me in the moment. I wrote it down as it came through me into my phone. An hour later, at 2am, I stopped writing.
After I put the phone down, the heaviness in my arms and legs felt like they were dissolving into the bed itself. I don’t know how I had the energy to write in that moment but it felt like something else took over.
I spent the entire night awake and inside the essence of the insight I had. The insight that I am always well, no matter what.
Three days later, I was discharged.
Since being home, I have noticed my mind go into overdrive. It started to make everything wrong. I started to hear thoughts in my head saying:
- You need to get over this.
- You’re not allowed to grieve at 6 weeks
- It’s been a week, you should feel better now.
- You can’t have this much time away from your business.
- If you aren’t going to work, then you’re not entitled to have any enjoyment.
The barrage of judgements kept coming and I found myself scrabbling to get out of the pain they were causing me. I distracted myself with mindless scrolling, Netflix and food. Only to see that once the temporary comfort had worn off, the thinking was still there in full force.
In all of this, I have also been feeling overwhelming sad. It has felt like the sadness seeped to the core of me. I have cried like I’ve never cried before. I have felt tidal waves of emotion overcome me. I have felt, at times, like I’m drowning.
And then, I realised something.
No matter what I’ve been hearing in my head, that is NOT the Truth.
Who I am being is not based on who I think or feel I am. Who I am being is independent of the mind chatter that tells me stories to fit the narrative that the mind has decided are true.
When I stopped reasoning with the assumptions in my head, I could see that the mind is powerless. It can only ever be powered by me. If I take action based on what mental vomit it is spewing out, then I am powering it.
The Truth is that the mind is innocently trying to find its way to a constant state of peace and it is continuously trying everything to get there. It doesn’t know that we are already at peace and its constant striving is the ‘not peace’ that it is so desperately trying to get away from.
Throughout all of this thought that I’ve have been hearing, I have also been acting independently of it.
I have been being a leader. I have been sharing my Truth with people and it has moved them to their core.
I have shown up for my clients, peers and family and have been living my learnings. This experience has changed me and this change is creating impact around me.
I have 50+ messages from people sharing how they are being impacted by who I have been being through this experience.
I thought I was being an emotional wreck and I’ve been being weak.
Correction.
The mind thought I was being an emotional wreck and I’ve been being weak.
The truth is that I am being an inspirational leader and I still feel waves of sadness overcome me. These things are not mutually exclusive.
It’s okay to feel whatever we feels whenever we feel it because the mind is doing what a mind does.
What we think or feel momentarily has no bearing on our true being state.
And feeling every emotion is what it means to BE human.
If you would like me to share my realisations with you, the ones I wrote post op at 1am, I would be happy to DM them to you.
I will share them with you on the agreement that you agree to read them about you and not about me.
This post isn’t about me. It is about being in touch with what you really are, not what you think you are 💛💛💛
Love Rajni 💛
TBWMLC
TAO TTT TLC
FWYAN-BWYA
