A gift within myself I didn’t know I had

AJC coaching school 🤓 the gift that keeps on giving!

These past year, I have been enrolled in a coaching school that is brilliant, and so far beyond the label of coaching school that it is inexplicable.

Thank you Ankush K Jain for the immense gifts you have given me.

Today, my world was blown wide open.

The exterior I have desperately been holding onto feels like it has been blown to bits by an earthquake, a 9 on the richter scale.

I experienced shame, tremendous discomfort AND despite all of that, I chose to stand at the front of the room and share the truth with every person in the room.

It was raw. I still feel so raw. Just like fingernails when they’ve been bitten right down to the skin.

It felt confronting and scary but I stood my ground. I took up space and I leaned into the shame and allowed myself to be with it.

The truth is that I have been struggling to articulate my document. A document is a living breathing commitment in which I create myself anew.

It is a creation borne out of forgiving the judgements I have been holding on myself for decades.

Everytime I sat to create, it hasn’t felt right. The inner judgement has gotten loud and instead of asking for help, I hid myself. In the act of hiding, shame began to spread through me.

But then, I stopped hiding.

I stood in front of everyone and I forgave myself. I am still in the process of this forgiveness. This post is a part of being in forgiveness of myself.

I forgive myself for not completing my document yet, because what is more true is that the essence of what I truly am is already living and breathing through me in every moment.

Through sharing, I saw something incredibly valuable about who I have been being.

Being raw and radically open has been MY way of showing up fully during the time I have spent as a student in the AJC coaching school.

I have been a leader time and again by taking a stand for my vulnerability and rawness. I have been honest without any filters. I have shared the deepest and darkest parts of me.

As a dancer in a past life, we’d always tell ourselves to ‘leave it all on the floor’ before stepping out.

I have laid my soul bare and left nothing unsaid in the school. I can say, with my hand on my heart that I have shared with the deepest honesty that I can possibly muster.

And the deeper I go, the more the well of loving, raw forgiveness I discover within me.

Some of my radical honesty in the school looks like this:

• I stood up in a room full of 21 people sharing my experience of body-shaking-anxiety when I first discovered I was pregnant. I was doubtful if I wanted to be a mum, even though I felt so drawn to it, because I didn’t know if I could do it;
• I shared about how I lost my baby at 6 weeks to an ectopic pregnancy, and how I felt unable to grieve because I had been doubting motherhood at the beginning. Because I had doubt, I told myself I didn’t deserve the space to grieve;
• I have shared how I stopped taking care of myself since the ectopic and how much I was judging myself for it;
• I have shared the doubtfulness in continuing to create my coaching business. The moments of absolute doubt that no-one seems to talk about that show up for me, and the deep, soul-shaking work required to transform;
• I have shared how I have been struggling with creating my document because of the judgements I have been hearing that have been exceptionally loud recently;
• I shared from the depths of my soul what I am certain about 🔥 and not what I doubt, and many were moved by this.

Through numerous acknowledgments, I am Seeing that who I have been being is the creator of space in which others can safely reach right down into the depths of their own well and pull out their deepest Truth.

This is my gift and I discovered it during the AJC Coaching Career School 2022.

One thing I am certain of is that I spent my entire life looking to other people to love me, to validate me, to really See me. Everything I thought I needed existed outside of me.

Now I am Seeing myself, for the first time. Everything I could ever need is inside of me right here.

What I am experiencing myself as is:
💛 an infinite well of love and wisdom
💛 unleashed ferocity and raw honesty
💛 a Divine Feminine energy emerging after years of rejecting it
💛 a fierce soft love that is piercing through people straight into their hearts…

The list goes on and on.

I am certain that I am a disruptor.

I am certain that I lead the way and pave the path to my own greatness, so others have the freedom to finally lead themselves from the heart.

I am certain that when I Be with people, they realise that their search out there somewhere is finally over.

Everything they have is already inside them. And then we create.
That is what I am certain of.

Love
Rajni