I have not been BEING the wife I want to be

By deeply listening to my husband, I realised I have not been BEING the wife I want to be AND I have not been being my true self.

What I am about to share is one of the most powerful realisations I have ever had.

Without judgment and with total love for myself, I have realised that I have been being a selfish wife.

My husband, Amit and I both have our own businesses. His business has been established for 16 years and it is growing at an incredible rate since he stepped in as director 6 years ago.

I started my coaching business around 3.5 years ago, and I have been super committed to creating impact and income.

Who I have been being in our marriage is that: ‘I only bring value to the relationship if I work as hard as him and provide money at the same level that he does.’

I have been believing that unless I make a certain amount and bring that into the home, then my contribution is worthless; and everything we have, I am not deserving of.

I have been believing that if I show up the exact same way as him, then that proves I am a loving wife. For example, I should work the exact same hours in my business as he does, otherwise I’m lazy.

This has been an unconscious way of being for me, for a very long time.

Since I was young, I always felt like I needed to work harder than everyone else to be more deserving. I needed to hustle to be seen to be at a certain level. How much money I make matters more than who I am being. (This feels uncomfortable to share publicly).

In November last last year, Ankush introduced me to a distinction around listening. This understanding has started to shake my world apart. The distinction showed me that I have different levels of listening with different people and myself. For example, if I decide I don’t like someone, my listening of them is going to be laced with judgment. I have already created them to be someone that is never going to share anything of any value, and therefore, I have closed myself off to what I could learn from them.

Equally, when I have great love and respect for someone, I will always find value in what they say because I am actively searching for it.

I noticed that my listening of myself has been that of the former for many years. One flavour of the listening that I have had of myself is that I must work harder and earn more, in order prove I am deserving of a place in my marriage.

I worked as a mirror image of my husband. If he was working in his business, I should be working in mine. If he brings home x amount, then I need to match or better that, because that will show him how much I love him.

I told him that I was feeling unhappy that we don’t have days in our life where we can have freedom to just wake up and create our day spontaneously. It felt to me like life was a conveyor belt and we just had to keep moving to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing.

He told me that he didn’t feel the same. And I started to feel misunderstood.

Then I remembered the distinction around listening and realised I wasn’t really HEARING him. ALL of the focus had been on ME. It’s all been about me. This whole time. And not about unconditionally loving him.

He said to me: ‘I only want for you to be happy. I really don’t care about anything else.’ Then he said: ‘I hear what you’re saying and I will do whatever I can to be what you need. And I will leave the rest up to Him.’

In that moment, I really heard him and it stopped me in my tracks. I feel tearful as I write this.

I spoke to my brother and he said to me: ‘Are you ok? You seem more stressed than usual’. So I opened up to him. And through our conversation, I heard something so different for the first time.

I hadn’t been listening to myself or Amit from a place of love and openness. When I opened my listening to Amit, here is what I heard:
Me being happy was a key ingredient in creating our home to be a loving, stable environment. I have been working so hard to match the energy of my husband that I have not been present in my marriage. Instead I have been listening to the thoughts that I need to work harder, be a provider and bring lots of money home. Only then do I deserve a place in the relationship, his love and respect.

The truth is:
He wants me to be happy.
He wants me to be present.
He doesn’t care how much money I bring home.
He loves me for my nurturing, loving nature and he wants me to see that in myself.
He loves me unconditionally and he wants me to love myself in the same way.
He knows I will be an incredible mother and knows that you cannot put a monetary value on that.
He wants me to love what I do and not worry about the outcome.
He is loving me so hard and I have been missing it because I’ve not been open to receiving it.

From this place, I asked myself: Who do I want to be Here? What kind of wife do I want to be for him? What would unconditional love for him look like?

And this is what came up:

• I commit to no longer trying to play the same role as him. We are a team. A team’s success is created by the sum of ALL its parts. We play different roles and if I try to play the same exact role as him, we both lose.
• I commit to no longer work on Fridays. I coach Monday – Thursday 9-6pm.
• I commit to ensuring the housework and cooking is done each week, as a nurturer of our home.
• I commit to being present.
• I commit to stop being a taker and constantly making our relationship all about me. I commit to being a giver. Instead of asking him for more of his time, I am seeing where I have the power to create the time for us.
• I commit to valuing the role I am choosing to play in our marriage, at the same value that I give to the role he is playing. I don’t need or want to play the same role as him.

He never asked me to commit to any of this. I have chosen this commitment from a place of love, and yesterday we had the most powerful conversation we’ve ever had.

I am deeply Seeing that by unconditionally loving myself, I am able to unconditionally love him.

After our conversation, he said to me: ‘I never knew what to say when you asked me what I needed the other day. So thank you for seeing what I needed and then being that.’

Before, I would’ve said we have a great marriage.

Now, I am seeing the possibilities for creating an extraordinary marriage. And it starts with deep, open and loving listening.

What is your listening of yourself and the others around you?

Love
Rajni 💛
TBWMLC
TAO TTT TLC
FWYAN-BWYA