I’ve been in a massive storm of self-judgment and I’ve been struggling to get out of it
A while ago, my coach told me I was like Storm from the X-Men. She is peacefully powerful and has the ability to create the weather, just like we have the ability to create our world from within.
He saw Storm in me because I have created extraordinary results over the past months of coaching together, due to massive inner shifts in my being.
However, I’ve been caught up in a self-created storm in my head. A storm that kept judging me for not having a constant ‘pep in my step’ like I normally do. I was starting to get a tight chest and was struggling to breathe, so I went to A&E. I was convinced there was something wrong with my heart.
There wasn’t.
It was anxiety.
I felt so embarrassed for feeling anxious, that it felt safer to hide. It felt safer to pretend like I was okay.
My coach Sachin Sharma said to me: ‘There’s no pride in silent pain.’
And he’s right. There is only more pain.
So, I’m not going to sugar coat my experience this. I am exposing the innocent thinking that I’ve been having. I have come to see that by exposing my blind spots, they dissolve; like darkness dissolving when it comes into contact with light.
I signed up for the AJC coaching school with Ankush K Jain, I have felt an overwhelm set in.
I’ve been watching people show up powerfully and through the lens of comparison, I have been believing that I’m failing at serving, at being present, at living into my potential and at showing up fully for the school.
I’ve been comparing myself to each person that is attending and coming up less than, every time. (Important to note: I never win the comparison game with my mind. House always wins).
I have wanted to hide so no-one will know that I’m weak.
Most of all, I have felt deeply embarrassed that I’ve been experiencing this. I believed that I was going backwards into the depression I worked so hard to overcome in the past years.
I also felt out of integrity because I was pretending on some level that ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you?’ This pretending has left me feeling absolutely exhausted and afraid.
‘I’ve come so far and I should know better, so why can’t I get out of this?’ – this is the thought that has been replaying in my head.
I’ve been playing into a lot of the fiction that the mind has created. But it hasn’t felt like playing. It has felt burdensome and tiring.
But…
What if none of these thoughts are actually true?
The truth is that:
✅ I experience self-judgment way less often than I used to.
✅ I’ve 4x my income.
✅ I’ve invested £60k in myself for 2 years, which includes attending 2 retreats and the AJC coaching school, as well as a 1:1 coaching apprenticeship. These investments have been game-changers.
✅ I have created my own retreat, which has been life-changing for everyone that attended, including me.
✅ I have co-hosted a monthly business masterclass alongside one of my incredible clients. These masterclasses were for entrepreneurs who wanted to create greater impact and income, through the work they are passionate about.
✅ I don’t cap myself at certain levels of comfort. I relentlessly go beyond my comfort zone, time and again because that is who I’m choosing to be.
✅I’m not messing up. Just because it feels that way at times, doesn’t mean it’s true.
✅ My clients hire me because of the beauty in my creation and who I’m choosing to be.
✅ I am way more present than I have been ever before.
In the midst of this thought-created storm, I have noticed that I can sometimes hold myself to an unrealistic standard of ‘trying to be perfect.’
When I’m trying to be perfect, I don’t know how to show up because I’m second guessing myself and calculating every move I make.
Trying to be perfect is what has been keeping this shame alive.
I had a conversation with the powerhouse that is Jacquie Moses. I shared my experience with her, warts and all.
She acknowledged me for being so open and vulnerable. We had a powerful conversation and I felt moved by it.
I can deeply see that shame can’t survive in the light of COMPASSION.
When I was a kid, I was so present to the madness and creativity that came from within me. AND the Truth is that everyone who knows me, experiences that beautiful madness from spending time with me.
So, I have decided to honour how I’m feeling right now, to give myself a break, to relax into my madness and to shine a light on this discomfort by sharing it with you all.
Because hiding it is what has been keeping me in the storm.
If you have arrived here, I invite you to see in yourself, that no matter what you’re experience is right now, YOU are okay.
Love
Rajni 💛🦄🌈
TBWFMLC
TLC TTT
